i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
