I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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