Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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