I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize