Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Randomize
