life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
