Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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