Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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