i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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