3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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