Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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