it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
