let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
