Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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