bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
