New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's never too late to be topless.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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