Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
