that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
