After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
