We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
