Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
