I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
