It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
