I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
