I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
