If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
