I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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