and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
