Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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