I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
