Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
