Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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