my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
