After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize