Please, let me fuck your mom
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Girls should come with a carfax report
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
