I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
