i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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