Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
