No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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