Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dicks are not precious.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
