and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
