Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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