I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
