she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
