I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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