I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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