If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
