I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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