if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
