Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
