i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
