turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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