I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
