It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
