yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize