You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
the liver wants what the liver wants
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
