My pussy is not your playground.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize