Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
