My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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