I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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