Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
