just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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