Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
