i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
