I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
