Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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