Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
