I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
