Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I could make wine with my vomit
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
