We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
