I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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