So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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